House Rules

Following are the rules of the house. Please read and adhere to them before entering our establishment. Thank you:

• Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

• Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
• Anyone behind the bar is 50% better looking.

• Telling lies is unacceptable, you may however grossly exaggerate.

• If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

• If you hesitate more than three seconds after getting the barman’s attention, you do not deserve a drink.

• If you buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

• If you buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still may not like you.

• If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

• If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

• Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

• When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

• Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.\

• Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

• If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

• Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

• Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

• Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing.

• Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

• After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

• It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

• Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.

• If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

• If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

• Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

• The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

• Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it were all good times every jackass would be doing it.

• If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for him.

• Never tip with coins.

• Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

• It’s okay to drink alone.

• After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you.

• Nothing screams “Nancy Boy”‘ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

• Men don’t drink from straws.

• If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.

• Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.

• Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.

• Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate.

• If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

• Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

• For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

• Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

• Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

• If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

• The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

• If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

• The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.

• Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.

• Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

• The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

• Never preface a conversation with a bartender with, “I know this is going to be a hassle, but…”

• Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

• The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

• You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.